Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you. »Hafiz (via arpeggia)
Alain de Botton
Saturday had definitely left an imprint.
In the early stages of a relationship, often you’re still adjusting from being primarily independent to slowly becoming intertwined with another. Truthfully, I’m more focused on ensuring that she knows she can trust me, be comfortable, and just generally happy — at this time, her feeling this way are my only “needs.”
The fault in this is that my own emotional needs start to change. She’ll tell me she loves me, but does she really know who I am? There are people that will say some of my beliefs or actions are highly commendable and I garner respect for it, but there’s a difference between respecting something and deeply resonating with it. Next, while she listens to me talk, she’s not really connecting the dots on how this pertains to my personality or even my life experiences. etc etc.
This leads to a landslide effect, which I mostly keep to myself, where I become hyper aware of faults and incompatibilities between us. My memory turns photographic and I can replay everything. Next, I start to doubt the original connections we did make… maybe I mis-construed them? While I try to figure this all out, I close myself off entirely to this person and figure out what the ‘truth’ is. The chances are I’ll bring it up with her on a smaller scale and this is usually my “warning” that things are sinking — they usually won’t heed this and that will just further illustrate that things need to end.
So, I’m usually well fulfilled early on, but my needs become increasingly complex and the relationship will usually fall short of that.
On the reverse, they’re usually as happy as a clam, but I think that’s because their expectations in a partner are significantly lower — when I end it, they are devastated.
If that is the case do we readjust our expectations or do we keep searching for the prefect one?
The Flowers of Tomorrow are the Seeds of Today
It’s been mentally draining draining weeks. I have been waking up to the feeling of utter dread and anxiety.
And then I saw.
The calmness and the confidence of someone who believe that the work she produces is good.
What you have told me 100 times over and I did not understand. I saw it today, and I felt it.
And so I will be doing my 10,000 hours and perfecting my blinks.
Thank you kindly.